Where to stay in Cape Town?

Where we stayed: an honest review of Sea Five Camps Bay

As usual, I had forgotten to take photos of our accommodation because I am careless and forgetful.

Sea Five sits at Camps Bay where all the rich white people live. At its rear is Table Mountain and its front, Camps Bay Beach. From our Penthouse Suite we could often hear the roaring of the sea breeze and the crashing of the waves. No kidding though, when we first arrived in Sea Five quite late in the evening, we thought there was a typhoon going on in Cape Town and that the roof was going to fly off along with us. (Ding Dong! The wicked witch of the east is dead!)

The pool was a nice addition to have but unfortunately it was too cold to swim in May. Trust me, I went down in a bikini, dipped my toes in, decided that getting frostbite was not worth the insta photos and took the walk of shame back up to change into normal clothes.

My parents had the master bedroom and naturally…

I was granted the magnificent kids room.

The best yet most awkward part was the toilets though, they were clear, see through glass. The toilet was just behind a slab of concrete. I could continue conversations with my parents whilst peeing, greatly convenient. However, when one needs to go number two, an evacuation was necessary.

Ok, maybe I stand corrected, the views were the best part! Accustomed to our safari schedules, we awoke at 6am to this: clouds rolling in from Table Mountain!

Here’s another one!

Camps Bay Beach which Sea Five overlooks is quite a sight as well. On most weekends you can see dogs and their owners frolicking about! 

The view from the main balcony.

Evening views are not to be missed out too!

Taken on our last night!

Unfortunately, though, about 600 USD was stolen from us from the safe. We are uncertain if it was truly someone from Sea Five who had stolen it from us but it is highly unlikely that we would have dropped 600USD on the way. (We keep our money in a money pouch and don’t open it until we are somewhere safe, like a hotel, which has proved to be not-so-safe after all.) We had only noticed the money missing on the way back home so we were unable to clarify this directly with the hotel. We did give our travel agent a call but heard nothing back.

On that note, I would like to say that as beautiful Sea Five may be, I felt that there were many other accommodation options that were more than half the price of Sea Five. With the ease of accessibility, an Airbnb could seem like a suitable alternative.

Tips: 1, I would certainly recommend Camps Bay as a neighbourhood to base yourself in. It is relatively safe (I felt safe walking outside at night), there are many restaurants nearby and it guarantees spectacular views.

2, Settle for an Airbnb, Camps Bay is full of summer houses. Do the rich white people a favour and rid themselves of their empty summer houses on Airbnb. It’s for your own good too. Here are some lovely picks that I was ogling at: a Spanish villa,  a 3-bedroom villa  and this amazing villa with sweeping views

To get $30 off your first stay, please click here!

Camps Bay is so ugly, yuck. 

What an atrocious sight. Imagine waking up to this.

Miscellaneous Woodland creatures and Scenic Views

Other than the wildlife, Phinda has some truly spectacular tumblr worthy scenery.

Hallelujah! I can imagine this being used for some #jesus quote. 

Not strictly scenery but monkey penis. He was hanging around the lodge premises and I wanted to approach him but then… no thanks. 

Warthogs live in burrows with their families. They have sensitive feelings and get sad when you call them ugly. 

Walk into the club and everyone staring at me.

#thosewhodonottravelreadonlyonepage

The first sunset we saw in Phinda, featuring the fever tree. The story of the fever tree is an interesting one. When the white explorers first came to Africa, malaria as a serious problem. Being the civilised and intellectual noblemen, they found a correlation between this tree and falling gravely, gravely ill with a fever (malaria). Why? Because fever trees tend to grow near bodies of water where mosquitoes breed. For the longest time, the early explorers thought that the fever tree was poisonous and was the cause of the illnesses. Malaria also halted deeper exploration of Africa until Tonic was invented. Fun fact, that’s why you have Gin and Tonic.

Niblets of knowledge aside, the silhouette of the fever tree has almost epitomised the landscape of the African savannah. All we’re missing in this photo is a nosy giraffe. 

Elephants Get Really Pissed when they’re Horny

Elephants are generally happy creatures. I mean, what worries would they have? They have no natural predators (except poachers, but alas this is a private game reserve), they can cause serious damage to lions and other predators, they live long and fulfilling lives. 

Sometimes they can even splash about in watering holes!

This elephant is doing a Lynn aka eating. Look at how happy it is.

Male elephants usually hang out by themselves, as I’ve mentioned earlier nothing actually eats them so there is no need for them to hang out in a group. Females, however, usually stay in groups with other females and their calves. Calves are still susceptible to predatory attacks due to their small size.

We were tracking a group of elephants because I wanted to see some babies. After about an hour of tracking, which involved our ranger putting his finger in a pile of elehant shit and my dad having to go pee again but being really afraid because of the lion incident.

When we finally found them…

They were hysterical! No, not because they were excited to see us. They were afraid of something, someone. So this was when our ranger told us that male elephants go absolutely HAM when they’re on heat. And because elephants have their own language and communicate through low frequencies, a really horny male elephant was terrorizing them. “I’m gonna kill your babies and rape your women!” When in heat, male elephants are extremely aggressive and would kill calves and even their mothers if met with resistance.

I have never seen such panic from elephants before. I mean, look at the previous photos, they were all happy and chilling and eating. But not here, they were running and panicking. Till the point that it wasn’t safe for us to follow them anymore. 

Amidst all this chaos guess who was being a nosy asshole.

Just our luck though, the next day we met another male elephant that was on heat.

He’s dousing himself with sand because he is really, really smelly. To mark their scent, male elephants on heat continuously pee on the foot. With every step that they take, they literally stamp their mark on their territory. Elephant pee is not pleasant. Gross.

We were observing him from a distance when he noticed our presence. 

He is extremely frustrated hormonally and just wanted to have copious amounts of sex. He charges towards our vehicle and now we are the ones panicking. He could easily flip our land rover over. (Now say that 5 times, fast!)

He is coming closer and closer! Luckily, he was no match for the amazing driving skills of our ranger who managed to speed away in reverse and hide in a forested corner before Mr Horny here decides to spread his rage somewhere else.

Next time you see an elephant in heat please run. 

Rhinos are Actually Myopic Triceratops(es?)

Rhinos have really, really small eyes.

Because of this, they’re infamous for having very bad eyesight. Now, please don’t ask your Asian friend if that is why he/she has very bad eyesight. It’s still racist and impolite.

Here’s a mama rhino with her baby. Rhinos rely more on smell than sight for navigation and avoiding danger, that’s why it is so easy for poachers to kill them for their horns. Poachers would hide downwind and the rhino would not even know what hit them.

Here we see one of the few surving black rhinos. Black rhinos are critically endangered, there are fewer than 2,500 of them left in the wild. Black rhinos are not actually black, they have narrower snouts than white rhinos. In Afrikaans, White rhinos were referred to as wide rhinos because their snouts were wider. But confused English people thought that they meant white rhino. Well, if that a white rhino than this would be a black rhino.

I think that rhinos actually look like tricerotops from the side. Don’t you think so too? 

The fun and games were over when he thought that we were threatening him and decided to charge at us. Luckily for us, he was pretty much blind and charged instead, at an unfortunate shrub.

Buffalos cannot Give Two Shits

Here is a buffalo lying in mud.

I’m not sure what you’re expecting. This is literally what buffalos do all day. Lie in mud.

Look at his face though, I want some of what he’s smoking. 

Fun fact, buffalos lie in mud so much that they actually wax themselves unknowingly. The mud basically dries and falls out but pulling their hair off as it happens. 

Really really chill life though. 

Moo.

Zebras like to show People Their Butts and Inconvenience Everyone

One conclusion I came to is that zebras really enjoy showing people their butts. And I don’t blame them! Look at their toned muscle, it really puts Kim Kardashian to shame. How many squats have you been doing, bro? 

They clearly start from a very young age as this one shows me his side ass while leaning towards his mom. 

They also like to inconvenience everyone by standing on important roads and airstrips. But with a butt like that, you could really get away with everything.

Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt. Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt. 

I’ve been staring at this picture for the longest time because I’m not sure if there was something wrong with my camera but there seems to be three zebra butts here but only three zebras. What do you guys think happened?

So there you go, zebras really like showing you their behinds. 

Giraffes are Nosy Assholes

Giraffes. You may know them as those things with long necks, kinda elegant but also kinda clumsy. This giraffe here seems to be at peace, serene, not bothering anyone. Lions know them, however, as nosy assholes.

Robin, our ranger/guide who you may recall from the previous story, was telling us that, apparently, giraffes follow lions around to notify surrounding prey of their presence. Can you imagine if you were a lion trying to catch some dinner and all of a sudden, this long necked yellow thing decides to put up and flashing neon signboard and follows you with gusto. “Why are you doing this?!?”

We soon figured out that giraffes not only stop and stare/follow lions around but they also do this to whatever they found would be potentially dangerous, i.e., us. 

Here are three giraffes looking slightly confused but bemused at our presence.

“Hey Fred, it’s them again”

This one was following us around for a while before he decided that he had more important things to do with his life, giraffe things.

Even baby giraffes like to spy on people behind bushes. Tsk, didn’t your mom tell you that staring is rude?!?

Here’s another one in mid step as it continues to observe us from a safe distance and at the same time, let everyone know that we’re here. Thanks, man.

Whatever you do in life, please don’t be a giraffe. 

We were almost Eaten by Lions

We met three different groups of lions (one was alone, read on). After spending a few days in the reserve we learnt so much about these magnificent creatures, they have more interesting stories than some people. It was like watching a drama series unfold before my eyes.

The first lioness we met was this one right here. 

She, unfortunately, was lost. She got separated from her pack and went off adventuring but now could not find her way back. No worries though, lioness are fearsome hunters and can survive on their own.

I always have this dilemma about feeling sorry for the lions when they don’t get enough to eat but it is also intensely depressing to see another animal getting eaten. Why can’t we all be friends?! 

She has decided to stand on a fallen tree trunk to get a better sniff of where her pack is! 

After realising that it was futile, she decided that it would be best to sit down and take a nap in the grass. Meow.

That was when we decided to leave her because she wasn’t doing much other than napping. So I don’t know whether she eventually found her family or not. I really hope so though. The lions that I’ve met were really chilled cats so I doubt that she’ll really be bothered anyways.

The second lioness that we met was hiding in the shade by a lake. No, she’s not that same lioness as before, you racist.

Our ranger, Robin, who was taking us around, knew that she belonged to a pack with a male lion. Now we had never seen a male lion before so we were all quite excited to see if reality matched up with the Lion King. Would he be charismatic, brave and charming like Mufasa? Or would he be a reject that lives with Warthogs and Meerkats? Also, Disney was not being very realistic about Simba hanging out with Timone because Meerkats and lions do not live in the same habitat. Lions live in the savannah while Meerkats live in sandy desert-like environments. Fun fact.

So off we went to find a lion. 

However, tracks of the lions led us to a very busy area that the vehicle could not possible go through. The ranger suggested that he, alongside his spotter, go into the bushes to help us find the lions. They took their guns with them. Ok, we thought, let them do the work for us, we’ll wait in the car. Wait, what?  How could that be safe? We were reassured that the lions didn’t like the mechanical smell of the vehicle and that if we just stayed in the car we would be fine. Ok, so just stay in the car while lions roam the area. Cool.

That would have been totally cool until my dad said these 4 words “I need to pee”.

“What do you mean you need to pee?! Stay in the car!”

“No, I really need to pee, I wanted to pee 30 minutes ago!”

“Then why didn’t you go 30 minutes ago?!?”

My dad was done with this discussion. He stood up, got out of the car and went to the back to do number one.

That was then this happened. 

The lioness which we saw hiding under the tree earlier had been bemused by our presence and could now sniff out my dad and his excrements.

“OH MY GOD DAD THERE’S A LION GET BACK INTO THE CAR!!”

Remember our ranger assured us that we’d only be safe in the car because lions get confused about the metallic smell of the vehicle. Human flesh was still flesh. Human flesh mixed with the scent of gasoline oil? What the hell is that?

“AHH I’M DONE I’M DONE!”

“SHE’S COMING CLOSER OH MY GOD WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!”

She approached curious as my dad zipped us his pants and with all the speed a 50 year old man could muster, hopped back into the vehicle. She was still there. Watching us. We panicked and started cursing in mandarin “this time we’re done for”. That’s when we noticed the radio. We could radio our rangers to come back! Sure it would really embarrass our rangers but hey its life or death ok.

“Calling Robin, calling Robin.”

“Yes?”

“There’s a lioness by the car, she’s looking at us”

I could almost hear Robin rolling his eyes. Tourists. Didn’t I just tell them if you stayed in the car it would be fine? Yes but we didn’t stay in the car, did we (thanks against dad, maintain your bladder please).

Seconds seem like eternity when you’re having a staring competition with a lioness that’s capable of ripping your head clean from your neck. Just as I was about to pray to Jesus and Allah and Buddha... 

Our ranger, unamused by us embarrassing him on the radio where all his colleagues were listening in, came out of nowhere as our knight in khaki shorts. The lioness fled.

Maybe she wasn’t that ferocious nor did she want to eat us but hey, SHE’S A LION.

We kept silence about my dad’s little adventure, silently nodding that we would never speak of this to anyone. If you read this Robin, I’m sorry.

Good news is, we finally met Mufasa/Simba. 

He was really shy and hid behind a tree. Anti-climactic after our near-death experience with his wife, ah wells bucket list checked!

The third group we met was a pack of five lions: a grandmother, a mother and her three sons. Her sons were still cubs, born just last year. They were playful and curious and their mane had only just started growing. Little pubescent teenage boys!

We first met them on a night drive when they were at the most active. The mother and grandmother were going hunting and were telling the cubs to stay put. 

I managed to this shot, a lion equivalent of a group hug.

“STAY PUT YOU LITTLE RASCAL!” It was truly amazing to see how lions had a very closely-knit family structure and actually showed affection. It wasn’t just pure survival that brought them to live in packs, I’m convinced that they actually loved one another. Nawww, maybe we shouldn’t have been afraid of the lioness, maybe she just wanted to give us a hug. Sure.

Captivated by these lions and disappointed by the bad lighting (thus the black and white photos), we decided to go look for them the following morning. This would have been our last day at Phinda. In less than 15 minutes, we found them.

They were done with a night of hunting and were just hanging out. The grandma was doting on her little grandcubs again, precious. 

This is one of the grandcubs who were very curious about the vehicle, he actually came very close to us and gave us this smirk. You can see his mane starting to grow out. Manes actually have a protective use as they protect the lion’s neck when they fight with other males. So no, it’s not a fashion statement and dear hipsters, that’s not the reason why you keep your beards either.

Why grandma, what big teeth you have. 

Oh my goodness, grandma, what bigger teeth you have. The grandmother is a ripe old age of 17 years which is very rare for lions in the wild. So kudos to you for still having your teeth.

A Cheetah Love Story

Dawn. After we said our tired good mornings, we set off for our safari adventure of the morning. Vroom. We are greeted by a pair of dashingly handsome cheetah brothers. They are doing regular cheetah stuff, trying to mark a tree, strutting around, scaring off some zebras.

Cheetahs are usually solidary animals but often cheetah brothers stick together even if they have grown up. It’s like a bro pad or something. Females on the other hand, do not and live alone until they have children (because girls really can’t get along with other girls sometimes). These two bros were on a perma hang-out. 

Cheetahs are really juts big cats and do a lot of cat things like brush their face on things to mark their scent and show you their butt.

A couple of months ago, they had met this stunning lady.

And they made this beautiful little cub and his five brothers and sisters. Unfortunately, one of the siblings got lost and most likely died ): ): ):

Cheetahs aren’t actually very cuddly because their adult fur is not soft to touch and feel more like wire.

Can you see the resemblance omg! 

But baby cheetahs can be ferocious too! Check out this moment! Work it, baby cheetah!

Another one!

I think this is my natgeo moment :’)

But alike most of the familial relationships in the wild, unfortunately these baby cheetahs will grow up with daddy issues. Daddy does not partake in child rearing at all unfortunately. The good(?) news is that these two brothers would have BOTH mated with the female cheetah so they wouldn’t know whose cubs the babies are. As a result, they don’t kill cubs, unlike lions who viciously murder cubs that are not sired by them ): 

Without the kids bugging him, the brothers can relax and nap under the shade on this hot afternoon. Unfair.

Cheetahs are definitely one of my favourite big cats. Did you know that they are actually the only big cat that can be domesticated! They can be trained to hunt and return when called.

Cheetahs are also incredibly light for their size, weighing at 35kg on average. They’ve also got portable sunglasses with them since their tear stains act as a pair of Raybans. Convenient huh.

Where we stayed: Phinda Mountain Lodge

An honest review

Mountain Lodge in Phinda Private Game reserve would be our home for the duration. Unbeknownst to us, we had also accidentally booked a villa that was meant for 8 people #oops.

Like Ngala tented camp, Mountain Lodge is also an &beyond property. I must say, I haven't got any complaints about &beyond properties thus far (except for maybe the price, hurhur); in our 8 nights with &beyond I must say that service has been seamless and they did try their best to cater to our needs. 

I didn’t take any photos of the property when I was there because I am an idiot. So I grabbed these off Phinda Mountain Lodge’s website. This is the living room which was adjoined by two rooms, which were then adjoined by another room each. Yes, you heard it. We were staying in a villa with 4 rooms and a living room. I’m not quite sure how this happened but yay. Our luggage had one room each and pa, ma and I squeezed into one room. Because, logic.

This was the room we stayed in, I squeezed in between Pa and Ma just to make sure that I will not have any more siblings. 

Yay to baths!

The mountain lodge was definitely quite a nice place to stay in, as you can see from the photos. There were also surprise outdoor dinners where you could have dinner in the wilderness (every alternate day). If I’m not wrong there is also an option to sit outside with the wild animals so that you can truly be with you wild side yknowwhatimsaying.

We also had the benefit of a private vehicle that comes with a ranger and a guide. So it was just the three of us and two armed professionals against the world, yay! I’d really recommend spending on the private vehicle especially if you’re in South Africa for a special occasion. With a private vehicle, you can take your time and decide to spend more or less time with certain animals. You can also tell your ranger which animals you are interested in seeing and he will find said animals for you. Most importantly, you determine the hours for the game drives. Certainly, dawn and dusk are the best times but you can choose to stay out for a longer time (which I chose 100% of the time) because it’s essentially your schedule.

Here’s a photo of us that the camera took on self-timer mode. Thanks technology. 

There was also a pool that we did use for contemplative reflection which my dad is pictured doing but not swimming because it was too cold. 

The views from the lobby that we see every morning before heading out to our game drives at 6am. It looks amazing now but everything looks bleak and miserable at the ungodly hour of 6am.

There were also lots of wildlife that you could see on the property as well. Nyalas (a type of antelope) were present more often than not and they were SO cute. 

I managed to snag this photo because ridiculously photogenic nyala here thought that I had food.

The game reserve itself was huge with 23000 hectares, which is 230 square km, which is about 1/3 Singapore. So, can you imagine Serangoon, Tampines, Changi, and Bedok overrun with wildlife? Yup.

Food was adequate. Fair warning though, on some occasions, game meat is served (think wildebeest).

I’d definitely recommend the mountain lodge on the basis that our ranger for the duration was just so, so, SO helpful. At that time, I only had a 150mm lens which is clearly not enough for wildlife photography. So he lent me his 400mm lens from his personal collection, FREE OF CHARGE. Service everywhere else could be improved, we were left standing at the restaurant entrance for 15 minutes before getting seated, but the amazing service from our ranger really allowed us to overlook that. If you’re interested in Phinda private game reserve but not in the mountain lodge, they do have other properties available in the area. I heard that elephants sometimes frolic around the pools in the rock lodge.

Tips:

1, Go during the low season (May-July), prices would be significantly cheaper. It is likely to be temperate in South Africa (16 degs?), but it will be sunny which could heat things up a bit.

2, I would really recommend doing both a private game reserve and a national one (Phinda is a private one, Kruger is a national one). The reason being that a private game reserve is essentially a glorified zoo. Don’t get me wrong, the animals are still wild and WILL decapitate you if given the chance but they are highly accustomed to humans and there won’t be much thrill of the chase or anything like that. Groups of animals tend to be smaller, so the spectacle points might be taken off. However, the animals are used to vehicles and humans so are less likely to run away, you get to know a deeper backstory too since these animals have been here for a while.

3, In the winter (May-July/August), you are more likely to get better glimpses of the animals because all the trees have withered away and water is scarce. That makes watering holes a great place to camp out to see some game! In summer, you do get to see babies but there is more foliage which makes it more difficult to spot animals. Also, the rich white people would also be on vacation, driving up safari prices.